it occurred to me in this shower this morning that yesterday’s post about the joys of motherhood might be a little misleading. i mean, not that motherhood isn’t wonderful and gratifying…because it is. but (and that’s a big ‘but’) it’s also very hard and very messy sometimes. and as much as i wish i did, i did not (nor still do not) have all the answers. in fact, even now there are days when i just feel like i make it up as i go along.
i had a friend that used to say, ‘this is the time in a woman’s life when her chickens come home to roost.’ and i never really knew what that meant until the last couple of years. blame it hindsight, but all those decisions that i consciously (or more likely unconsciously) made when kelsey was younger…now i get to see them action in my daughter’s life.
it’s especially hard when i see my girl struggling, whatever it might be. and of course my first thought is to blame myself…maybe i should have made her stay in piano lessons, maybe i should have sent her camp when she was twelve.
what if… coulda. shoulda. woulda.
it is so easy for me to beat myself up for all of the things that i have done wrong as a mother.
and yet, how often do i give myself credit for the the things i’ve done right. what about sitting upright in the rocking chair when she was a baby and was sick? what about when she was in third grade and all the evenings i sat on the couch with her going over math facts? or the time i stayed up late to wash her favorite pink shirt for picture day? surely that has to count for something.
and you know what. it does. my daughter knows that she was loved. and i’m starting to believe that in the end, it’s all that really matters.
if my mom was sitting here with me, i have no doubt that she would probably echo a similar sentiment. but here is where the beauty of parenthood comes full circle. that as a daughter, i know i was loved as a child. i know how blessed i am to have two parents who love and care for me. and then being a parent, and knowing how hard it is first-hand, how we don’t have all the answers…well all i can say is that love and compassion and forgiveness run in all directions.
and this is where i find peace when my chicken come home to roost.
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from the archives
it really is a full circle. i had someone tell me soon after meg was born, that it’s like watching myself grow up. then, as she got older, i realized that my mom probably had the same reaction to milestones as i did, still do. we never stop being a child and never stop being a parent.
When out daughter was expecting her first baby she read every book that she could get her hands on about how to raise a child. She went on line and studied what the “experts” had to say but never asked us for our opinion or advise. This caused my husband a great deal of heartache as he thought we did a pretty good job raising both kids and here she was seeking advise from people she didn’t even know. I told him to be patient. To wait and watch. So he did. Long story short… while bathing the new born the other day she commented on how scared she was the first time she bathed Reagan and now it was such a breeze bathing little Hazel. She looked over at her dad and said “that’s because you and mom were there to teach me how to do it the right way”…my husband cried. Job well done good and faithful servant. The role however different is always that of mom (and dad) no matter how old they get.
Thanks for this post! My sons are growing and grown-up, and my husband and I find ourselves pondering the ‘shoulda/coulda/woulda’ ‘s of parenting in hindsight. Your statement that in the end, what matters most, is that they knew they were loved – that rings true for us, too. We made mistakes, and we also did well on a few things. It’s all loaves and fishes in the Master’s hands, right? I’m certainly counting on that!
I find myself there, in the blame circle, a bit lately. Not that he is messing things up royally, I just wish some of his choices were different. And I wonder if there is anything I can say or do anymore to change him. Then I breathe, and trust God, and pray. 😀
Just…amen. I hear you. Every time something goes wrong for one of my kids, it was because I wasn’t a good enough mother; when it goes well, it’s because they succeeded in spite of me. Good to know others face that same silliness…..
another moment where I’m nodding my head in agreeing with you. Such a great way of expressing with your words and as always your images make it all complete.