Crazytown

Crazytown is a bizarre place just west of the Estrogen Highway that runs between Normalville and Menopause City.

I used to live in Normalville.  It was an idyllic place whose conditions were perfect for raising a child.  And although I really miss all my friends who still live there, life just became a little too cyclic and predictable.

So about 5 years ago I moved from Normalville to Perimenopause, a suburb of Menopause City.  I bought a great little house, albeit a little run down, at the intersection of Hormonal Street and Overlysensitive Boulevard.  It sits on a corner lot with a nice yard.  Structurally my house is in pretty good condition, although the furnace is acting a little funny lately so I guess I need to have that looked at.  I’ve done a little painting and added some wallpaper which has helped to spruce things up a bit. My next project is to tackle the weeds that keep popping up in the flowerbed by the front door.  Instead of plucking them out one by one, I think I might look into some Round-up.

Perimenopause is a great community.  I’ve met a lot of really funny, interesting women here.  Most of them moved from Normalville too.  There are tons of great shops and restaurants.  I found the cutest cardigans recently at the Hot Flash Boutique.  (Since my furnace is working overtime I can no longer wear my favorite turtlenecks from Youthful Closet in Normalville).  Oh and there’s this fun little gift shop on Sentimental Avenue.  Not only do they have a great assortment of candles and jewelry, but they also carry a huge selection of memorabilia and scrapbooking supplies.  Just down the street is the Nostalgia Superstore where they carry DVD’s of all my favorite movies and TV shows.   It’s also where I bought my new favorite music collection – TimeLife’s Ultimate Rock Ballads 17 CD Super Set.  Sometimes after an afternoon of shopping, my friends and I will stop by the Companionship Bistro.  There we’ll either enjoy a glass of Contentment wine or a Just Need to Vent-tini and share an order of chips & Fellowship Salsa.  So it’s great.  I’ve really come to feel comfortable here.

The only thing I don’t like about Perimenopause is its close proximity to Crazytown.  

Living so close to Crazytown is a bit worrisome.  Although I’ve never actually been there, I hear the crime is terrible and the pollution is out of control.  And I’ve heard that the people who live there wander the streets willy-nilly with no regard for order and routines.  It’s a scary place!  However, there is a funky little diner on the outskirts of town that I have started to frequent – The Insomnia Café.  I discovered it once when I took a wrong turn at Worry Street (back when I lived in Normalville), and up until recently, had only been there a few times.  Now I’ve found that the fastest way to the Insomnia Café, from my house at Hormonal and Overlysenstive, is on the Sleeplessness Expressway.

Don’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of the Insomnia Café.  Not a lot of people go there.  They are only open from 10:00 p.m. to 12:00 a.m. and (my new personal favorite time) 4:00 a.m. to 6:30 a.m.  It’s usually not too crowded either.  The little old lady that runs the place is as nice as can be and makes a great cup of coffee.  And they have pretty good food.  Lately, my favorite thing to get is the Losing My Mind Combo which consists of a Forgetful Burger, a side of Weepy Fries, and a Lethargic Milkshake to wash it all down.  But I also like the Unable to Focus Salad with the Frustration Vinaigrette. On the side of course.  However, I would highly recommend that you avoid the Quick to Overreact Stir Fry – it gave me a horrible case of indigestion and heartburn. 

The one thing that bothers me about the Insomnia Café is the big screen TV with programming that alternates between infomercials and televangelists.  But I guess that’s something they have to do for the people that wander in from Crazytown. 

(My friend N told me at brunch on Sunday that she actually went to Crazytown once by accident when she got on the Quit Smoking Turnpike.  She stopped long enough to buy a T-shirt from the crazy lady at the tourist shop and then got the hell out of town.)

Who knows how much longer I’ll be living in Perimenopause.  One thing is for sure – I’ve got to stop going to the Insomnia Café or otherwise the folks from Crazytown are going to start rubbing off on me. I’ll start giving all our money away to Creflo Dollar Ministries or actually purchase a P90X. Then my friends in Perimenopause won’t hang out with me anymore and my family will leave me and move back to Normalville.  So tonight I’m going to stop by the Med-Ex on Sleep Deprivation Road and look into some Tylenol PM.

If you ever find yourself at the Insomnia Café tell everyone I said hi and have a milkshake for me.  Just watch the signs and steer clear of the road to Crazytown.

Sleepless in Perimenopause

(P.S. Just a little shout out to my mom, my kid, and my friend N and our recent conversations that inspired this “fictional” tale.  xoxoxo)